(No, no, no) I'm Confident.

(The set up: One air mattress, on top is a set of foam steps. There is a dramatic spotlight on the foam stairs. Everything is an off white color.

The performer is to recite this monologue while trying to balance on the top of the stairs. Throughout the monologue the performer will spontaneously fall and then climb to the top of the stairs.

This is a performance about internal groundlessness, imitation, confidence and gender exploration. The monologue is being projected in a karaoke style evoking the performance of gender expression. The audience is instructed to sit in chairs on either side of the air mattress) —- Indicate areas for next karaoke slide. 

 

(Prior to the Performer walking out the air mattress which is deflated is slow inflated from off stage, pushing the stairs upwards) The performer then walks out, and begins to climb to the top of the steps, they stand there as the karaoke slides are activated) 

 

 

Hey!

I’m confident

—-

Where did you come from?

Would you believe me if I told you?

I promise

—-

Really?

Absolutely

Please don’t pretend

—-

God I’m so happy to be talking to you right now….

—-

When there is a place for rest in the song tilt your head over your shoulder. 

If you can, adjust your eyes:

Squint slowly, purse your lips

—-

This will give the allusion that you are not staring at the camera but instead ”seducing” it.

—-

I Read a book titled

How to Get with Women

I learned the rules

Rule number one: stop leaning in

—-

You turned to me and said “you know who you remind me of?”

We were in your room, I think you were getting ready

For something important

—-

I was lying on your mattress in a way 

I thought looked sexual 

But I was fifteen so it probably wasn’t

—-

Imitation is the “lowest” form of learning

I suppose thats where the phrase 

“Mere imitation” comes from

I am used to being called haphazard

—-

“You remind me of that guy in that boy band”

I get that often 

baby, baby, baby

Is it too late now to say sorry?

——

Rule number one: stop leaning in

Excuse me? Actually…

—-

He suggests leaning backwards against 

The position of her body,

That way she does not interpret 

A positive emotional state from you. 

If you show a woman that you’re interested 

She will not like you.

—-

Hey!

“If I pretend to be him… “

Do you think people say this about a particular 

Type of person?

Had I been older I would've had a few drinks 

And it would've been fine

—-

How come when I try to kiss her I miss

and end up drooling on her chin?

This could be described this as a “truly an aggressive act“

Don’t worry I’m confident

——

Alright well If i’m going to be honest this hat is 

Covering the head she shaved that night…

She decided I had to look like those 

guys on the radio, you know the ones she 

probably had posters of on her bedroom wall growing up

——

Looking back she must have decided

That I hadn’t fallen enough, 

I could hear her palms open from fists

And place themselves flatly on my shoulders.

—-

Perhaps it was not wise

To attempt a first kiss in a stairwell. 

Rule number one: stop leaning in

—-

She wanted me to “grind” on her,

but I was miserable at it…

God you know I’m much more of a

“Stand in the back of the room and wait for girls to come at me type”

A tom-boy who watches Mary Martin religiously

—-

Hey!

I’m confident!

—-

We could go get food

We could hold hands

I’m not sure which one will go on top

I’m willing to try

—-

The other day I realized

I can’t remember 

what my voice sounds like

So I played a video of myself 

lip syncing 

—-

She was embarrassed to say

She liked it when I mouthed words

She found me totally

Irresistible

Especially when I was performing

—-

The first time we I had sex

I forgot to take off my socks

I was going to deliver a

“spectacular performance”

—-

When I pushed my hand in and out

On my mothers air mattress

Her head smashed into my childhood dresser

—-

I need advice

—-

A great time to schedule a date is 9PM

That will cue her to ear beforehand

Saving you money

—-

I think i’m supposed to share something

That you don't know about me 

—-

Maybe you’re wondering why I read

“How to Get with Women”

Did you know my ex-girlfriend used to model?

—-

He leaned forward and began to mutter,

“Always find something to insult them with

 that they don’t notice 

your own fucked up personality”

—-

“And learn how to play guitar, 

chicks love that shit”

—-

You become more apart of me everyday

I feel that you are becoming everything 

Baby I’m perfect

—-

I’m really sorry you thought that video was

about you 

In all honesty it was all about me.

You should have asked though, 

before you shoved me

—-

Afterwards we just sat there in silence

—-

Can’t you tell I’m confident?

—-

Now, you are going to think of 

graphic tees, bad music videos, middle school era 

language…

And she is going to say, 

“this hasn’t changed anything, I still love you

even if you’re constantly falling”

—-

You’re going to be so hung up

on which part of me is him 

—-

Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery

—-

(This piece ends when the text runs out, the screen which is still a karaoke blue shows a video of the performer at a younger age practicing a lip sync performance alone in their room. The performer stops climbing the steps and instead observes the performance before exiting the area, not returning)

 

 

 

 

 

 

(No, no, no) I'm Confident is an in progress performance investigating gender exploration, sexual frustration and balance through a karaoke style monologue. Set to the instrumental tune of Justin Bieber's song "Confident" the performer attempts to recite the lyrics while balancing. The lyrics are a collection of personal anecdotes, questionnaire answers and pop song lyrics.