"Go And LoveYourself"
Performance Anxiety: "Go And Love Yourself" is a two and a half hour durational work where I attach myself to a fleshy toned air mattress and inflate it by fucking the floor. The pump is designed so that if I stop pumping the air will slowly leak out of the mattress, back through my device. The piece ends when my body can no longer inflate the mattress but there is enough air inside for me to crawl on top of it, sleep and leave.
I felt like I was seeing a lot of men masturbate in front of me during performances. I was getting tired of that feeling, and began asking myself what would a self masturbation, or fucking, or building up look like for me? What are the politics of asking my own strained body to create an “ideal form?” or fully inflated object, a successful performance. I was poking fun at these other artists while trying to process my own questions,
How was I still drawing upon my imitation and research to puzzle together my own identity?
What was so seductive about the squeaky sound of pumping?
What began to feel important to me was not the end product of the “inflated object” but instead the state of inflating. This capture of measured time. A half deflated object is better then a fully inflated one not because it becomes a “failed object” but because it nows lives in this in-between space, this “uncanny reality”. And in this middle ground I find my own identity, a conversation about time and growth. That air being held in, the struggle of elastic, the release of breath. The time it takes to reach its end point in either direction before starting all over again. So what interests me in inflation is this “breathing” or record of breath/time and movement.